Title: Daredevil’s Dilemma
Disclaimer: Lies, all lies.
Notes: Part 2, Part 3, Part 4
“I suck,” said Ben, looking down at a script, a yellow highlighter pen poised in one hand.
“Not that I’m disagreeing,” said Casey, as he twisted the Gameboy controls violently. “But what, in particular, is causing you to suck today?”
Elektra executed a perfect head and chest punch combination that sent Daredevil flying.
“Bastard,” said Matt, wrenching his own controls, so that Daredevil launched himself in a flying headbutt that took Elektra right in the stomach.
“I can’t kiss men,” said Ben, sadly. “I suck at it.”
Casey looked away from the screen for a moment, inadvertently allowing Daredevil to kick Elektra in the shins, and frowned at Ben. “I wasn’t aware that not kissing men was draining all meaning from your life,” he said, then noticed Matt’s attempted piledriver just in time to roll Elektra away. “Hell, I didn’t even know you were gay.”
“Fucking bastard,” said Matt. “Hold still so I can thump the shit out of you.”
“You wish,” said Casey.
“I’m not gay.” Ben waved the script. “This is a fantastic part, but I just can’t kiss men. I suck at it.”
“Oh god,” said Casey, “this is about fucking Chasing Amy again, isn’t it?”
“I was a chicken shit,” said Ben, tossing the script to the floor. “Jason was all cool about it, and I couldn’t even get up the nerve to try a bit of tongue action. I suck.”
“For fuck’s sake, Ben,” said Matt, as Elektra stuck a knife into Daredevil. He threw the controller down in disgust. “So ring him up and ask for a do-over if it’s that fucking important.”
“Best two out of three,” Casey challenged.
Matt chewed his lip for a moment, and then reluctantly picked the controller back up. “I think you’re cheating. I want to be Elektra this time.”
Ben glared at Matt. “I can’t do that. He’d think it was a date!”
“I’m deeply offended,” said Casey, grinning. “How the fuck am I supposed to be cheating? Am I holding my head at an unsuitably rakish angle or something?”
Matt looked over his shoulder at Ben. “Hey, you’re the one wanting to kiss men.”
“I don’t want to kiss men!” said Ben, making an emphatic gesture of denial with both hands.
“Riiiiight,” said Casey. “You’re just sitting there having a shit fit for no fucking reason.”
“If the shoe fits, is all I’m saying,” Matt said, pressing the start button on the game.
“There’s no shoe,” said Ben, glaring.
A flashing, half-lidded look passed between Matt and Casey.
“Fine,” said Casey, “you can be Elektra, but don’t think I’m gonna go easy on you just because you’re all delicate and womanly.”
“I’ll show you womanly,” muttered Matt, and sent Elektra windmilling into Daredevil.
“There is no fucking shoe!” insisted Ben. “I’m shoeless, okay!” He wiggled his socked feet at them for emphasis.
“Whatever you say, bro,” said Casey, and sent Daredevil into a whirlwind of action. “This game kicks arse.”
“Unlike the movie,” said Matt, sotto voce.
Casey snickered, and missed his next punch. “Cheater! No making me laugh at crucial moments.”
“It’s a valid strategy,” said Matt. “Suck it up.”
“All I’m saying is that I want the fucking part, okay,” said Ben, picking up the script again. “And if I take it, I have to kiss some guy. Really kiss him. Or the fucking thing won’t work!”
“So kiss him then,” said Casey. “What’s the big deal? It’s acting.”
Ben stared down at the script and didn’t answer.
“So practice it,” said Matt, getting in a roundhouse kick to Daredevil’s ribs. “If it’s that fucking important.”
“Oh, there’s a genius idea,” said Ben. “And how exactly am I supposed to practice it? Just ask some guy, ‘Hey wanna kiss me. You see I have this part…’” He made a rude pssshew sound. “It sounds like a fucking pathetic pick-up line!”
“Dammit!” said Casey, as Daredevil collided with a wall and died. “This character’s jinxed. I want Elektra back!”
Matt grinned evilly. “So ask Casey. He won’t think it’s a pick-up line.” He turned and gave Casey a saccharine smile. “Will you, sweetheart?”
Casey made a gagging sound. “I’d rather kiss you! As horrible and scarring as that would be, at least it wouldn’t be, you know,” with a deeply disgusted look, “incest, you sick fuck.”
“Think of it as a public service,” wheedled Matt. “It’ll shut him up.”
“I’m not kissing Casey,” said Ben. “Just. No.”
“What’ll you give me if I do it?” said Casey, winking at Matt when Ben wasn’t looking. “I need a sweetener here.”
Matt scratched his head in perplexed thought, then snapped his fingers. “I’ll give you Elektra back if you do it.”
“What part of ‘No’ do you not understand?” said Ben, whacking Matt’s shoulder with the rolled up script. “No part is worth that. Not even one that breaks the $20 mil barrier.”
“20 mil?” said Casey, momentarily diverted. “No wonder you want the part.” Then to Matt, “But Ben’s right. So not worth it. Not even for Elektra.” He kissed his fingers and pressed them to the frozen screen image. “Sorry, sweetheart. Nothing personal.”
“Fine,” said Matt, making a dismissive gesture. “I try to do you both a favour, and what thanks do I get for it?” He stretched out on the carpet and began flexing the fingers of his playing hand. “None. That’s what, you ungrateful bastards.”
“If that’s your idea of a favour,” said Ben, “you know what you can do with it.”
“Good idea!” said Casey, restarting the game in single-player mode. “If you’re so fucking keen, Matt, you do it! Solves the whole fucking problem.”
Elektra made a high-pitched, “hiiiii-yaaaa!”
“Oh, brilliant suggestion, Einstein,” said Matt, examining his hand closely. Then, a moment later, as though he’d found what he’d been looking for, “You know, I think I’m going to order Chinese. What do you guys want?”
“The usual,” said Casey, focused on beating his previous best score.
Matt looked over at Ben and raised an eyebrow.
Ben re-opened the script and uncapped his highlighter. “Yeah,” he said, meeting Matt’s gaze straight-on. “Whatever you want is fine by me.”
And as Matt got up and went over to the phone, Ben went back to reading the script.