cupidsbow (cupidsbow) wrote,

Slash fic: Captain Obvious and the Art of Intimidation (7/?)

Title: Captain Obvious and the Art of Intimidation (7/?)
Author: cupidsbow
Pairing: EW/OB, LotR RPS
Rating: M
Warning: This is a work in progress! Also, crack!fic.
Length: 1,600 words
For: special_trille
Disclaimer: I don't know any of these people—it's just a lucid fever-dream. As Elijah's real life sister isn't a celebrity, I'd like you to cast her as the actress of your choice; I'm thinking Anna Paquin.
Summary: In which secrets are not respected, and brotherly love is tested.

Notes: You can find the previous episodes here: Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4, Episode 5, Episode 6.




Elijah enters his tiny, low-rent apartment, madly wrestling with the recalcitrant lock on the front door while trying to juggle a box of left-overs, his backpack, and a grocery bag full of toilet paper, lube and comics. A gust of wind blows in rain and a few leaves before he can slam the door shut.

What? You were expecting a glamorous studio apartment hidden behind this decrepit facade? I may be a non-stereotyped manly gay love interest, but this is still a Cinderella story at heart, so suck it up.

As he finally manages to kick the door closed, we see the apartment's decor, which could easily be described as nouveau superhero.

And yeah, I know what you're thinking right now, and I couldn't agree more. My taste in decorating definitely leans more towards the geek end of the obsessive stalker spectrum...

The window, which doubles as a fire escape, is draped with curtains which are actually Red Tornado bed sheets blue-tacked to the wall.

The tiny kitchen is cluttered with the dirty dishes of a Night-Rodent crockery set, coffee-stained Red Tornado mugs, a Captain Obvious spice rack, and a calendar above the stove which bears the title: NAKED HEROISM, currently open at March's picture of Redback-Man (with half his costume ripped off, particularly around the well-defined chest region) in an intimate, violent clinch with Rhino-Woman (also missing large chunks of costume, also around the spectacularly well-defined chest region).

Elijah's bed is covered in a Captain Obvious doona, and the ceiling above it is covered in a collage of posters, post-cards and stalkerish, slightly out-of-focus photos of both the Captain and Orlando.

Through the doorway to the tiny bathroom, we can see a rather mouldy Red Tornado shower curtain, and a Captain Obvious toothbrush sitting alone in a cup above the sink.

...but what you have to understand is that this story and its related merchandising are aimed at a teen market, and the pinhea... I mean executives in charge believe that when it comes to the gross misuse of symbolism as a replacement for characterisation, more is definitely more.

Elijah staggers towards his bed and looks at the clock sitting on the milk crate which is serving as a bedside table. The Warrior-Woman Special Edition Digital Time Piece With All-New Crime-Klaxon Alarm Feature currently reads 3:02am.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

He dumps everything onto the floor and falls onto the bed, searching frantically for the remote. He finally finds it wedged inside a Red Tornado: Uncut! graphic novel. With a sigh of relief he toes off his shoes and, with a practiced flick of the wrist, turns on the TV.

CUE slightly pompous theme music, swelling as a caption explodes onto the screen: HEROIC BRIEFS.

Without taking his eyes from the television, Elijah reaches down and gropes for the take-away container of left-overs. Once he has it, he cracks open the top and, without even looking to see what it is, he twists his fingers into a congealed mass of black fettuccine in a sauce so green it looks radioactive and starts eating.

As the theme music fades, an artfully coiffed NEWSCASTER appears on the screen.
(straight on)

Good evening, and welcome to another night of Heroic Briefs.
(turns to face second camera)

Superhero action has been intense all over the city today, and our intrepid team have gone to the max to bring you the best footage, the closest close-ups, the most in-depth on the spot interviews, and all your favourite heroes as you've...

(speak in sync)

...never seen them before!


Nude. That's how we've never seen them before. So how about some truth in advertising? Huh? Is that too much to ask?

He carelessly wipes green pasta sauce onto his shirt and then picks up the remote and notches up the volume.

Tonight on Heroic Briefs...


...Captain Obvious, say Captain Obvious...

CUT TO a jerky hand-held shot of a bus flying through a city street, right past the sign for the Megopolis Zoo.

...Redback Man and Rhino Woman buy a ticket to ride on the wild side...


...c'mon, c'mon...

CUT TO shadowy, noir-style footage of a grim-faced man in a furry suit--which has red noses randomly stuck all over it--using a pogo stick to forcibly restrain a clown.

...The Night-Rodent has the last laugh in his latest run in with The Trickster...

Elijah's shoulders begin to slump.

...blatant fucking themselves a news program...


...and in tonight's special, on-site report, Liv Tyler uncovers the truth about Captain Obvious and his close shave with new nemesis on the block, The Villainous Ego...

CUT TO the crab monster snicking its scissors menacingly on a grainy security-camera recording.

Woooohoooo! Costume-shredding monsters! That's more like it!

Elijah leaps up and starts tearing his clothes off. At the same time, he kicks his backpack open and grabs at a packet of DVDs as they fall out. He rips at the packaging on the DVDs with his teeth, while unbuttoning his shirt one-handed. The packet finally pops open, spilling disks every where. Elijah ignores the mess, grabs one of the disks and bunny-hops to the TV, pants twisted around his ankles, shirt trailing from one wrist.

Elijah inserts the DVD into the machine, just as a particularly loud clap of thunder reverberates through the apartment. With a ZZZZIIIIIIRRRPPP sound, the lights dim, and the picture on the TV turns into wavy grey lines.

Oh, come on!

Elijah picks up the rabbit-eared antenna and holds it up at shoulder height: the picture becomes wavy coloured lines. He tries holding it higher: the picture goes back to black and white. Elijah hops backwards to the bed, jumps up, and holds the antenna as close as he can to the light fitting: the picture becomes clear, showing a warehouse full of primary-coloured costumes.

...down to Sharp-Dressed Superman, for all your costuming needs...

Elijah very carefully inches a foot towards the remote control, which is sitting on the edge of the bed near the container of take-away.


...Welcome back! Now we cross to our ace-reporter, Liv Tyler, to find out the latest about the new evil on the block, The Villainous Ego...

Elijah inches his big toe forward another millimetre, and with a breathy sound of satisfaction, presses the Record button.

With a BANG, the fire-escape window slams open and a woman climbs through: this is ELECT-RA. She is wearing a grey cat-suit and a small silver mask, and despite being plastered with rain, her long, dark hair is standing up in electric spikes.

Sorry to just barge in, bro, but I'm sick of getting zapped by...

Elect-Ra takes in the scene, and hesitates, one hand still on the window sash.

...Is this a bad time?


Hannah! How many times do I have to--

(points accusingly at Elijah)

Elect-Ra! Elect-Ra! Elect-Ra! You have no respect for my secret identity!

A bolt of lightning spears down from the sky and stabs the hand Elect-Ra has on the window sash. A blue nimbus surrounds her, swirling like some kind of cyclone. From the hand she's pointing at Elijah, energy shoots out and surges across the room, zapping the bunny-ears Elijah is holding over his head.


Elijah somersaults off the bed in a graceful backwards arc, pulling the bedspread with him as he goes. His container of take-away becomes airborne, its fluorescent green contents opening up like a slow-motion mutant octopus.

Elijah lands on his back on the floor, tremors of electricity running up and down his body. A moment later the mutant green take-away splats across his bare chest.

Elect-Ra runs across the room and falls to her knees beside Elijah. She pulls the bunny-ears out of his hands.

Elijah! Oh my god!

She takes a lightning-shaped cell-phone out of a hidden pocket in her costume, flips it open and presses the big, red Emergency Response button.

Don't worry, Lij. Help is on the way.

Eliah groans and slits open his eyes.

The TV's picture becomes crisp and clear as Elijah's gaze reaches it. On the screen, Captain Obvious descends from the sky, carrying Liv Tyler and Professor Boyens. As soon as they land, Professor Boyens stalks off without a word, but Liv pauses to press a grateful kiss to Captain Obvious's cheek, before turning to address the camera.

The TV explodes in a shower of glass and a cloud of acrid smoke.

Elijah closes his eyes and slips into unconsciousness.

* * *
Tags: captain obvious, fiction, lotrips, slash
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