To give you some idea of what I'm talking about, IM storytime favourites so far have included: the Hayden Christiansen/SGA inspired MarySue of doooooom; the sex-guru-John-Sheppard and skeptic-Rodney smutfest; and the novella "Being John Sheppard" which I actually have started writing up (I'll be posting the first chapter friends-locked in just a bit).
Anyway, as I already have what feels like a trillion viable WIPs on the go, I'm definitely *not* *ever* going to write *this particular* IM story up, but I kinda like it enough to post as it is. Seriously, you have been warned...
Title: Military Intelligence
Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis
Pairing: None (a little implied McKay/Sheppard and various others)
For: vegetariansushi who is the best enabler ever, omg.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Just borrowed. I promise to return them the way I found them.
Notes: This bit of crack was inspired by the sga_flashfic "Debriefing Challenge," but as it's written in IM, it's not really suitable to post there.
cupidsbow: Are you up for storytime?
cupidsbow: I finally had an idea for the Debriefing Challenge, but I don't think I'll write it up properly as I already have more than enough WIPs on the go.
vegetariansushi: debriefing challenge?
cupidsbow: On sga_flashfic. I wrote the "Aliens Made Them Eat It" thing for the Food and Buildings challenge. The latest challenge is "Debriefing".
vegetariansushi: what's your idea?
cupidsbow: So... Zelenka is sitting in the mess.
cupidsbow: And people keep going up to him with little things in their hands, sitting with him for a while and then leaving, no longer with the things.
cupidsbow: Things like chocolate bars. Coffee sachets. Gizmos. Porn.
cupidsbow: Then, we overhear what's actually going on. And each person (let's start with, say, Kavanaugh), sits down all pale-faced and sweaty and desperate-looking, but trying to be cool...
cupidsbow: Zelenka gives them the eye, as he takes a bite of not-mashed-potatoes.
cupidsbow: ...and Kavanaugh starts babbling, just spilling the beans with gossip: "Then I saw Bates groping Stackhouse in the rotunda after movie night... and... and... Miko coming out of the kitchens with something stuffed under her shirt..."
cupidsbow: Zelenka's nodding and eating and occasionally making notes on his laptop.
vegetariansushi: hee. i have no idea where you're going with this, but it's already making me laugh
cupidsbow: Kavanaugh's getting paler and sweatier: "and... and... McKay! I saw McKay stealing bandwidth to send Ford porn! *Ferengi* porn!"
cupidsbow: Then Kavanaugh kind of thrusts his offering of a pirate Queen CD at Zelenka.
cupidsbow: Zelenka accepts the CD, looks Kavanaugh right in the eye, and says, "That's very interesting Kavanaugh. Thank you for sharing."
cupidsbow: And Kavanuagh nods like a puppet with an overzealous puppeteer and lurches off.
cupidsbow: Cut to McKay and Sheppard who are watching the whole thing in glee, wondering how to find out what Zelenka has on Kavanaugh.
cupidsbow: Rodney says, "I'm so glad I have no shame! I'd hate to be in Zelenka's power."
cupidsbow: John: "Easy for you to say, McKay. Some of us have reputations to protect!" And he scowls.
cupidsbow: And then they both boggle a bit as a sweaty Col. Caldwell sits down opposite Zelenka and hands over a bag of pistachio nuts. A really *big* bag.
cupidsbow: The mess goes quiet for a moment, and Caldwell hunches in his seat.
cupidsbow: But Zelenka looks around--assessingly--and everyone quickly goes back to concentrating on eating their dinner.
cupidsbow: John: "Poor bastard! I wonder what he did..."
cupidsbow: Cut to Caldwell: "This is illegal!"
cupidsbow: Zelenka: "Pfft. Pegasus has no anti-blackmail laws."
cupidsbow: Zelenka (with a significant look): "And I'm pretty sure it *never will*, Colonel."
cupidsbow: Caldwell: "One day you'll need military protection, and *then* where will you be?"
cupidsbow: Zelenka: "Calling in a favour from Col. Sheppard." He smiles, and it's not nice at all.
cupidsbow: Caldwell looks stoic right up until he caves: "I saw..."
cupidsbow: Zelenka nods encouragingly and takes another bite of not-potatoes.
cupidsbow: Caldwell: "Elizabeth writing something about nipples in her personal diary."
cupidsbow: Zelenka's fork pauses in mid-air: "What about nipples? Whose nipples? Just nipples is not enough!"
vegetariansushi: (seriously, you just -- the brain! is so shiny!)
cupidsbow: (buffs brain to high gloss ;-)
cupidsbow: Caldwell, really starting to sweat: "I couldn't get a good look, but I think, maybe..." and he leans forward and whispers "... Sheppard. And something about clamps."
cupidsbow: Zelenka makes a little note on his laptop and waves a hand for Caldwell to continue.
cupidsbow: Caldwell: "That's all I have so far."
cupidsbow: Zelenka frowns.
cupidsbow: Caldwell regains a bit of his spine: "You don't want me to make things up do you?"
cupidsbow: Zelenka reluctantly concedes the point: "I suppose Colonel Sheppard's nipples will have to do." And he waves Caldwell away imperiously.
cupidsbow: Cut back to John and Rodney. John gets up and mutters, "My turn."
cupidsbow: Rodney: "I can’t believe you won't tell me what he has on you! I could *help*!"
cupidsbow: John puts a hand on Rodney's shoulder and leans in so that when he speaks his breath puffs against Rodney's ear: "I wish I could, Rodney. More than you'll ever know."
cupidsbow: Rodney shivers and looks both thrilled and terrified by this, his cheeks flushing pink.
cupidsbow: John stands upright, all-soldier again, "But some things are more important than what I want."
cupidsbow: Rodney looks a bit like he's sucking on a lemon as he watches John's retreating ass. (Breathing fast and slightly glassy-eyed as well as pinch-mouthed)
cupidsbow: John sits down opposite Zelenka, looking totally intimidated, and hands over a shiny Atlantean do-dad that's making happy beeping noises.
cupidsbow: Zelenka looks at it dubiously: "What is it?"
cupidsbow: John: "A bug. It can record colour pictures as well as sound."
cupidsbow: Zelenka looks quietly thrilled: "Oh. Nice!"
cupidsbow: John: "I thought you'd like it," and he hunches down a little further, everything about him screaming, *I hate this*.
cupidsbow: Looking around to make sure no-one's in hearing distance, John says, "So how'd we do today, Doc?"
cupidsbow: Zelenka beams: "Good, good! Five more people! I will email the good bits."
cupidsbow: John wipes pretend sweat from his brow: "Good work, buddy! At this rate, we'll own the whole base by Christmas. Nothing will be able to stop us!"
cupidsbow: Zelenka: "Yes, yes. I admit it. You were right. You are evil genius."
cupidsbow: John can't entirely hide some of the *aw shucks* look: "I couldn't have done it without you."
cupidsbow: Zelenka smiles modestly: "Yes, but it's you Atlantis debriefs to. Without inside information, we would be nowhere," and he pretends to make a note on the laptop.
cupidsbow: John: "Good point. So, I bags the nuts then."
cupidsbow: Zelenka's smile wipes away as though it had never been: "You always bags nuts! When is it my turn?"
cupidsbow: A tiny smile edges up one corner of John's mouth: "The day I forget finding you blowing Kavanaugh in the botany lab, Radek. Unless you *want* Rodney to open his email to find security footage of--"
cupidsbow: Zelenka begins to sweat and tries to hide it: "Nuts! All yours!"
cupidsbow: The end.