Title: When in Rome
Pairing: J/D, Stargate: SG1, First Time
Length: 3,400 words
For: My Mum, who likes my slash :)
Disclaimer: SG1 belong to MGM. I don't have permission to play with their pretty, pretty wormholes.
Summary: Jack gives Daniel a quick lesson in Simulated Sexual Moaning in Field Situations.
Notes: This story was originally published in the fanzine The Rhizome Factor 1.5 April 2000.
Yes, I know the names aren't Latin enough...tough!
"It's amazing," said Daniel, turning around and around, trying to take in everything at once.
"A little more specific would be useful," said Jack. "Like is it safe for us to accept these people's hospitality, or will we end up the main course at breakfast tomorrow?"
"I think we're safe enough," said Daniel. "These people have a culture very similar to that of the Roman Empire on Earth. They're a civilised and honourable people, as long as we don't make any major transgressions. If we all make sure we keep to standard first contact protocols we'll be fine."
"Great," said Jack. "That's a real comfort."
Their guide returned from consulting with a group of toga-clad men, and after some talking and hand gesturing with Daniel, led them into a nearby building. Carter moved up so that she was pacing Daniel.
"Where are we going?" she asked.
"To the guest quarters. They're going to put us up in style," Daniel said. "You know, this is like a dream come true for me. When I was a kid, I loved the tales of the Roman Gods. It was one of the things that led me to study cultures and languages. And here it all is, flourishing as though the Empire never fell. Look over there," Daniel pointed to a statue in a nearby alcove, "that's Jupiter, and in perfect condition too. I wonder if they'll let me photograph this stuff."
Carter grinned at him.
"You better watch that. Your obsession is showing again."
"Right. Right. Mission first," said Daniel, tearing his gaze away from the statue.
When they reached the next corridor, the guide started pointing out their rooms.
"You get the stateroom," said Daniel to Jack, indicating two huge doors. "The rest of us are in the next three rooms along this corridor."
Jack walked over to the doors and took a quick look inside. "Now this is what I call civilised. I could definitely get used to this. See you guys later," he said, vanishing into the room.
Carter took a look through the doors and whistled her appreciation. "Which one's my room, Daniel? I want to see if I've got a hot tub like that."
Daniel pointed the way.
"Daniel Jackson," said Tealc, "could you please tell our hosts that I have no need of body servants, and do not require their attendance."
"Sure Tealc," Daniel replied. "As long as you're sure you don't want a nice relaxing back-rub."
Tealc gave him a look, and headed off to his room.
"Right. Dumb idea," said Daniel.
Jack was beginning to entertain high hopes that this mission would manage to avoid any hair-raising moments. It was true that until he had gotten the hang of the whole servant thing he had felt a little apprehensive about being helped to undress and bathe, but it had actually worked out pretty well. There was, after all, nothing like sitting back and letting your feet be rubbed and your beard be shaved. The whole thing was blissfully decadent. In fact, amidst all this luxury there was only one minor thing bothering Jack. And that was that he couldn't work out what the kid was here for. The boy had arrived just after the bath, while Jack was still drowsy and content, so if there had been some cue about the boy's job, Jack had missed it. The kid was standing just inside the doorway, staring at him with big, brown, curious eyes.
Sighing, Jack started the whole chest pointing "I'm Jack. Who are you?" routine. The boy picked it up pretty fast.
"Mark," he said.
"Well, hi Mark. I'm pleased to meet you," said Jack, offering his hand.
The boy came forward and took it with a shy smile, then brought it to his lips and started to suck on it.
Jack blinked a bit and pulled his hand away.
"That's not quite what I had in mind," Jack said. But it was starting to seem that it was very much what the kid had in mind, because he was staring at Jack's chest in a most alarming manner. Jack was starting to get a rather horrified inkling of what the kid's job was. Especially as Mark was coming closer, and it was all Jack could do to back away without looking too much like he was backing away.
Time to get professional help. Jack held up both hands in a 'stay' gesture and went to find Daniel.
"I think I've got a problem," said Jack, when Daniel opened his door.
"Can't it wait?" Daniel asked. "I'm right in the middle of..."
"No it can't wait," Jack said, grabbing Daniel's arm, dragging him into the corridor, and marching him towards the stateroom. "Not even a little bit."
"Well don't get your knickers in a knot," said Daniel. "What's the problem?"
"I'll knot my knickers as tight as I like, thank you very much. And that's the problem," said Jack, pointing at Mark.
Daniel looked at Jack as though he had finally cracked. "If you didn't want body servants you should have told me. I could have had them sent away without any fuss."
"Daniel, just ask him what kind of body serving he's here to do, will you?" snapped Jack.
"OK, OK," said Daniel, and launched into Latin.
Jack noted with some satisfaction that after a few exchanges Daniel started to get his Jack's-not-going-to-like-this face.
"What did he say?" Jack demanded.
"Well," said Daniel, hesitating, "from what I can make out, and I could be wrong..."
"Just tell me already."
"It seems," said Daniel, "that he's a gift."
"You mean, like a slave? Why give him to me?" asked Jack, starting to feel a little relieved. Not that he approved of slavery, but it was a manageable problem.
"Not quite," replied Daniel. "He's just a temporary gift, given to you as a mark of respect because you're our leader."
"OK, but what's he temporarily here to do?" Jack demanded.
"He's a sex toy," said Daniel, like a man setting off dynamite.
"Yeah, that was my impression too," said Jack, and enjoyed watching Daniel try to figure out what had happened before he'd arrived.
"Are you crazy?" said Jack. "Do I look gay to you? Besides, he's just a kid for Christ's sake."
"He's fifteen, Jack," said Daniel. "In many cultures that's old enough to be considered an adult in every sense. And gay has nothing to do with it. This is a society in which homosexuality is the social norm."
"Thanks for the lecture professor," said Jack, "but in case you hadn't noticed this isn't my society, and even if men did float my boat, I still wouldn't have sex with a fifteen year old. So just tell me how to send him back without pissing everyone off."
"Well maybe you can just say 'no'," Daniel suggested.
"It's worth a shot," said Jack. "You tell him."
Dutifully, Daniel started to explain, but within a dozen words the boy had cast himself at Jack's feet and started to cry.
"So much for the easy way," said Jack. "What's Plan B?"
"Maybe we could tell them that you have a passionate and jealous lover," said Daniel. "Think they'd buy it?"
"Yeah, a wife back home. Good thinking," Jack replied.
"No Jack. A boyfriend back home," said Daniel. "To the Romans wives and male lovers were two entirely different things. And they weren't mutually exclusive."
"Sweet," said Jack. "I just know I'm never going to live this down."
"Well, if you'd rather not make a scene, you could always accept the gift," Daniel said.
"Just call whoever you have to call," Jack replied.
A short while later the patrician left Jack's quarters, smiling.
"He's sure in a good mood for someone who's just had his gift returned," said Jack.
"Yeah," said Daniel, with a troubled look on his face.
A servant appeared, carrying Daniel's pack.
"What the hell is going on now?" demanded Jack. "They better not be throwing us out. I thought you fixed things."
Jack looked from the servant, still waiting expectantly, to Daniel, and back to the servant.
"Tell me you didn't tell them what I'm thinking you told them," said Jack.
"No!" said Daniel. "I said exactly what we agreed. But then they offered the boy to me instead, and when I said no, they obviously ... jumped to conclusions."
"Well call them back and enlighten them," said Jack.
"Just wait a minute, Jack. Let's think about this," Daniel said. "The way things are now, we spend one slightly uncomfortable night, no worse than bunking down in an army barracks. If we call them back, there's a good chance I'm going to offend them one way or another. I think we should just make the best of it."
"Make the best of it, he says," Jack muttered.
Daniel called the servant and retrieved his pack. The servant took up a position in an alcove near the doors.
"Daniel, tell me that servant isn't going to be here all night," said Jack.
"No, no. He'll wait out in the corridor once we've gone to bed. Just in case we need anything, you know, then we can call him," said Daniel.
"Exactly how passionate and jealous did you say this hypothetical lover of mine was meant to be?" Jack asked.
"Pretty damn hot," said Daniel. "Why?"
"I figured. That patrician smirked at me pretty good on the way out," said Jack.
"Yeah, I noticed that," Daniel replied.
"You would, being the passionate and jealous type in this equation," said Jack.
"Ha, ha. Funny. Not."
"So let me outline this scenario as I see it," said Jack. "You're meant to be my extremely jealous and possessive lover, and a servant who's within earshot if we call out is going to be outside our room all night. Do you see any problems with this picture?"
"Yeah," said Daniel, suddenly looking apprehensive. "I hadn't thought of that."
They looked at each other for a long moment.
"So what do we do about big ears out there?" asked Jack.
"I don't know," said Daniel. "Make some moaning noises and thump around on the bed a bit. That should be enough to satisfy their honour."
"Yeah, and ruin ours," said Jack.
"For God's sake, Jack. No one else is going to know."
"That's what you say now, but things like this have a way of getting out," said Jack. "And I really don't want to have to explain this when we get home."
"Fine." said Daniel. "I'll just get them to bring back the kid, shall I?"
"Moaning and thumping," said Jack, reluctantly. "I guess it's doable. How about I thump and you moan."
"Oh Jack," said Daniel, "I never knew you cared."
Half an hour later Jack and Daniel had run out of excuses, errands, and last minute trips to the facilities. They sat, stripped to their boxer shorts, on opposite sides of the sleeping platform. Not looking at each other.
"So," said Daniel, conversationally.
"So what?" Jack asked, suspiciously.
"This is stupid!" said Daniel. "Together, we've faced the Rheetu, the Goauld, a plague, a black hole..."
"And Carter when she's pissed off," interrupted Jack.
"Right, and Carter, not to mention my ex-wife..."
"Let's not go there," said Jack.
"...we've overcome really big guns, corrupt members of our government, and body swapping..." said Daniel, really getting warmed up to his subject.
"Not that I'm not enjoying this catalogue of our adventures," interrupted Jack, "but I'm assuming you have a point here."
"My point," said Daniel, "is that this just can't be all that hard. By comparison."
"Nah. Easy peasy," said Jack. "So why don't you go first."
"Right," said Daniel. "OK."
"Well that was real effective," said Jack.
"I'm just working out the best position," said Daniel. "To, you know, carry the sound."
Jack looked at him sceptically. "Sure you are, Daniel."
Daniel got up and rearranged himself so that he was kneeling on the bed, facing the doors. Then he opened his mouth and let out something that sounded like the cry of a dying seagull.
An embarrassed silence ensued.
"You know," said Jack, "you should have just said you were in pain. I have a medical kit in my pack."
"Everybody's a critic," Daniel complained. "So let's see you try it."
Jack cleared his throat. "Actually," he said, "I think I might have a better idea." Then he rearranged himself so that he was mirroring Daniel's position, kneeling on the bed.
"He scoffs, and yet he imitates," muttered Daniel.
"Daniel," said Jack, reaching out his hands and grabbing Daniel's head, "shut up." And he bought their mouths together.
Daniel clapped his hands up over Jack's, while at the same time trying to pull his head away. Somehow his thinking seemed to be happening at snail's pace. Shock; it had to be shock. By the time he realised that holding on to Jack's hands while trying to get away from him was probably not the best course of action, it was too late to figure out another way to get free. He was too busy fighting for all he was worth to keep his lungs from being sucked out of his chest. By Jack. Who was kissing him like there was no tomorrow, and not much yesterday either.
Daniel's brain finally caught up. Jack was kissing him.
Jack was kissing him!
Then somehow, everything changed.
One heartbeat, everything was as it always had been. The next, Daniel had magic skin. Skin that could sense things he'd been oblivious to just a moment before. Like the light prickle of the hair on Jack's arms. The heat flowing off Jack's body. The gentle strength in the hands that cupped his face.
Something inside Daniel was going 'ka-zing' and with a little jolt of surprise he realised it was the blood racing through his body on the greatest Grand Prix circuit of his life. The thrusting of Jack's tongue in his mouth was sending Daniel into an ever quickening tailspin of unexpected lust. Daniel had never realised before how absolutely edible Jack smelled. It was insane. It was perfect.
Daniel decided to try an experiment.
He ran one hand up Jack's arm and around his shoulder, the skin smooth and warm to his touch. Jack shivered, and Daniel could feel goosebumps spreading out from the place his hand was resting. And God, somehow that was so hot, Jack shivering in his arms. He could feel his belly getting tight with desire, and he was suddenly so hard he was aching. He slid his fingers into Jack's hair at the nape of his neck and pulled him closer.
Then he kissed Jack back.
When Daniel was a teenager, he'd had this idea of how a kiss should be. The perfect kiss. When he'd kissed his first kiss, he'd been so jazzed with anticipation he'd hardly noticed the disappointment that it hadn't lived up to the fantasy. But it hadn't. And none of the kisses to follow had either. Since that first kiss, he'd become so used to that slight feeling of not-quite-perfect that he hardly noticed it anymore.
So when he started to kiss Jack it came as a complete surprise that this kiss, Jack's kiss, was the way he'd always thought a kiss should be. For a moment Daniel thought his heart was going to burst. His skin was crawling with excitement. He couldn't get close enough, kiss long enough. Jack tasted so good. God, if he'd known it would be like this with another man, he'd have tried it years ago.
Daniel was light headed with lack of oxygen, but didn't care. If he had to choose between breathing and kissing Jack, he'd die a happy man.
Jack pulled away.
"What?" demanded Daniel, not liking this interruption of his moment of sexual enlightenment.
"You're meant to be moaning, Daniel," whispered Jack.
The hot caress of breath in his ear made Daniel want to rip Jack's boxer shorts off with his teeth and roll their bodies together over that huge expanse of bed behind them.
Then the words sank in, and Daniel's fuzzy brain started to comprehend their meaning.
Daniel realised, a little giddily, that he was angry. Really, really angry. More angry than he could ever remember being.
"What the fuck are you playing at, Jack?" he hissed. "Is this some kind of game to you?"
"Don't be dumb," Jack replied. "I was just reminding you about the servant."
"Fuck the fucking servant," said Daniel. "He can drop dead for all I care. You don't just go around kissing people like that so that a fucking servant can hear you. Or at least decent people don't."
"Daniel," said Jack, "be reasonable. I just meant..."
"Reasonable!" Daniel shouted. "If you wanted me to be reasonable you shouldn't have fucked with my head like that. You want a fucking sex toy, you should have kept the fucking kid."
Daniel pulled away from Jack, got off the bed, and walked out to the courtyard. He was hot with anger, trembling with it, and it was making him feel sick. He couldn't remember ever saying fuck so often in such a short timeframe. But no other word really seemed to express how he was feeling.
"Fuck!" he said again, and felt a little better.
There was a fountain in the middle of the courtyard. Daniel went to it and put his head under the falling water. The coolness was blissful, and he could feel his anger start to drain away.
Daniel stood up and pushed the wet hair out of his face.
"What?" he said. He was pleased to note that Jack looked upset too.
"I'm sorry," Jack said.
"Sorry for what?" asked Daniel. "Sorry you kissed me?"
Jack hesitated, then said, "No. I'm not sorry I did that."
Daniel folded his arms and said nothing.
"I'm sorry for what I said. You know. About the servant," said Jack. "When I kissed you...I didn't expect you to kiss me back. I thought you'd probably punch me on the nose. When you didn't, when you kissed me instead, it just threw me."
"Oh, so it's my fault you acted like an arsehole," said Daniel, feeling another spike of anger.
"No," said Jack, wearily. "Acting like an arsehole is a natural talent I have. Look, I didn't really think about what I was saying, and I didn't mean it the way it sounded. Can't we write the whole thing off as a learning experience and let it go at that?"
Daniel shook his head. "I don't think so."
"You want to punch me on the nose after all?" Jack asked. "Go on then. Give it your best shot."
Daniel was actually tempted for a moment. "You're such a dick," he said. "It'd serve you right if I did punch you."
Jack nodded. "I know."
"You lit me up like a fucking Christmas tree," Daniel said, accusingly.
"Yeah, I know," said Jack, "it's another of my natural talents. It gets me into almost as much trouble as being an arsehole."
Daniel watched Jack's face closely, but he didn't look at all smug.
"So why'd you do it then?" he asked, his curiosity winning out over his anger.
"Well, we were sitting there like two idiots, and you were looking cute as hell," said Jack. "Kissable. And I suddenly remembered that saying."
Daniel lifted an inquiring eyebrow.
"You know," said Jack, looking a bit apologetic, "'When in Rome, do as the Romans do.'"
It occurred to Daniel that the Romans hadn't stopped at kissing other men. The lead weight that had been sitting in his stomach ever since Jack had stopped kissing him was suddenly gone.
"I thought men didn't float your boat," said Daniel.
"Official military policy is 'Don't ask. Don't tell,'" said Jack. "You know what a stickler I am for the rule book."
"But..." said Daniel.
"You're not 'men', Daniel," said Jack. "You're one man. You're you. And you definitely float my boat."
"Because I'm kissable?" asked Daniel. "I want to be quite clear on this, in case you say something else stupid later on."
At that, Jack got a definite glint to his eye, and Daniel was suddenly very aware of how little they were both wearing.
"Because you're kissable," said Jack, taking a step forward. "And because you're smart and funny and a good friend. Because you get under my skin, like the worst kind of itch. Because I want to lick you all over. Because you kiss like you're on fire. Because..."
"OK," said Daniel, closing the gap between them. He leant forward and whispered against Jack's lips, "You can shut up and exercise your natural talents now."
And being a smart man, Jack did.