cupidsbow (cupidsbow) wrote,

No Sex For Me!

I'm cracking myself up here. I've been toying with an idea for a fictional alien race for a while now; trying to figure out what they look like and eat and all of that. I'm planning to use them in an original SF novella sometime soonish. I thought I'd give them an unusual sexuality, for various reasons, and in between marking assignments tonight, I was thinking about how my aliens might do it. As you do.

Anyway, I suddenly had a brainstorm, mostly thanks to psycho_tabby, who posted this piccy of a Zedonk (G). And I thought, Hey, animals have all sorts of different sexual practices, don't they? And then I thought, Huh, sex stuff... the internet... supposedly these things go together. I could trawl for animal porn! As research!

How is that not an awesome chain of thought, right there? :)

So I Googled "animal mating" thinking I'd get all sorts of stuff. In fact I was a tad apprehensive about what that "stuff" might entail. I tend to like my porn safely slashy and un-illustrated. Genitals suddenly appearing on my screen freak me out a little. However, for the sake of research, I squinted at my screen sideways and I bravely clicked the Google button, expecting a veritable avalanche of birds and bees doin' it.

*shakes head sadly*

Well I did, in fact, find a lot of stuff. Like this for instance (work safe, unless you're offended by worm orgies or snail sperm). And also this (work safe, and with extremely interesting stuff about high schools). Or maybe this (which is useful in terms of theorising an alien polygamous culture; but also way too short, and yes, you guessed it, work safe). And then there was this (G), which, omg, dude! Either the least relevant hit ever, or the most disturbing.

This (M, not work safe) was about as full-on as it got.

I'm a bit taken aback to tell you the truth. What is up with that selection of links? I type in "animal mating" and I expect more than a few blurry shots of lions in high grass, you know? There were a few hits which promised photos and vids, of course, in amongst the ones I've linked to. But they lied. I clicked through to a couple and they were just ads for commercial mail order catalogues, despite all the FREE FREE YES REALLY LOTS OF FREE SEX PICS banners. (Okay, I admit it. I was too afraid to download the "Stormtrooper Mates with Strange Animal" vid on YouTube; but still, my point stands. There were no actual pics above an M rating of animals doing it within a single click of the Google search page).

So now I'm wondering... Is my animal-porn-Google-fu broken? Sure, I wasn't actually looking for animal porn, but I figured I'd get it anyway. That's how the internet used to work. Is there still actually any weird porn out there on the internets that you can just accidentally Google? (Um. That wasn't a hint. I don't actually want links to animal porn or any other kinds of weird porn. Well, unless it's a funny SGA macro or something :) I'm just, you know, bemused here. There used to be porn, back in the early 90s, because I remember being traumatised by suddenly appearing pierced penises and clitorises after AltaVistering "Highlander" and other such topics.

Where has it all gone?

Oh, wait. I know! Now we have to pay for it. Right? Right? Yeah, that's it. Everyone's locked up the porn pics, so now you get one "blacked out" teaser, and a list of titles that you can buy with a guaranteed anonymity policy, and the only sites that look like they have free porn pics are actually internet gambling or pop-up ad meccas or something. That's it, isn't it?

Geeeeesh. What is the internet coming to these days?

Frankly, I feel vaguely ripped off. But not enough to download the Stormtrooper vid.

*shudders and goes off to mark more essays*

ETA because I'm a sticky beak: What's the weirdest thing you've ever found on the internet by accident?
Tags: links, rant
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