Here's how it'll work: post bad!fic summaries in comments. Make 'em up, or re-write 'em, or find/replace names of one fandom with another, or post them raw as a challenge for someone else to re-write. Anything goes, except bashing the original authors--I'm pretty sure we've all committed bad!summaries at some point, and it doesn't necessarily reflect on the fic it relates to, so no commentary on authors please. But anything else? Go for it!]
Every day cimness posts a collection of "Bad!fic Summaries". This may not sound so bad to you; you may have visions of enjoying the bad!fic summaries, safe in the knowledge that your own summaries are infinitely better. And, yes, okay, that is a legitimate joy, and I share it with you.
But every damn day, I read these summaries (for Bandslash! Bandslash bad!fic summaries, omg), and my brain translates them in a very disturbing and distracting way. Nay, it is worse that mere distraction. These bad!fic summaries EAT MY BRAIN as though they are actually rabid bad!fic-summary zombies.
How do they do this, you ask? Well look at this. Today cimness posted:
Summary: In his head, the fact that he's known William seven days, fucked him thirteen times and been killed by him once entitles his to a little insider information, some hints as to what William did before he was dead.
and then my brain did this:
Summary: Rodney McKay can handle three impossible things before breakfast, as long as he's had coffee. But even he has a breaking point, and being stuck in a timeloop with John Sheppard (version 2.0, Ascended and even more enigmatic) has hit it. The fact that Rodney's known John three years, fucked him thirteen times and been shot by him twice surely entitles Rodney to a little insider information, some hints as to exactly what Ancient tech Sheppard was touching when it killed him. Because then maybe Rodney can reverse the process before the timeloop collapses, and John goes off to glowy-squid land and leaves him for ever.
This is not the first time this has happened! Yesterday, she posted:
Summary: 1666. Ryan must leave London to escape the plague and acquires a mysterious stranger along the way...
and my brain, eaten immediately by the zombie bad!fic summary, went:
Sent from Earth to escape the Priors' plague, Rodney McKay ends up in the far-flung outpost of Atlantis along with a handful of other refugee scientists. The clock is ticking, and he knows he only has a brief window in which to finish his research on the Ancient-weapon, before it will be too late to save Earth. Every hour that ticks by in quarantine is a special kind of hell; and then, as though things weren't grim enough, five minutes after he's finally released, Rodney meets Atlantis's drawling, slouching military commander... and wonders if maybe he hasn't leapt straight from the frying pan into the fire.
And the day before that? She posted:
Summary:Gerard and Frank are hit men from a different dimention.
and I totally went to the happy AU place in which:
Summary: A different day, a different death; yes, it's a dirty, inter-dimensional job, but the fate of infinite iterations of the galaxy depends on it, so what's an heroic astrophysicist like Rodney McKay, and his military sidekick, to do? (What? I don't even get named in the summary now, McKay?) (No, shut-up, this is my monologue. You're going to ruin it!)
This will be the sixth time Rodney and John (Happy now?) (Strangely, not so much.) have assassinated Doctor Daniel Jackson, evil Gou'ald overlord of Earth! But why does no-one on Earth-6 seem to know about the Stargate? Exactly how different is this mirror!verse to all the others? Could it really be true that this Daniel Jackson is just a bumbling academic, doing his best to fight the good fight? And can they really risk killing an innocent man?
Despite Rodney's cunning plan for a long-distance hit, John decides the only way to find out for sure if this version of Jackson is innocent is to get up close--and very, very personal--with the maybe-not-so-good Doctor. (Cue hot threesome secks.)
Cuuuuuurrrse you cimness, with your addictive bad!fic summaries. Grrrrr aaaaaargh.
*shambles off, muttering braaaaaiiiins*
ETA: My flatmate called me to dinner, so I pressed 'Post' too soon! What I meant to say was please share your bad!fic summaries in comments.
If you can't defeat 'em, share the bad!fic-summary love, I say. *waves suggestively at 'Comment' button*