cupidsbow (cupidsbow) wrote,
cupidsbow
cupidsbow

Slash fic: Captain Obvious and the Art of Intimidation (1/?)

Title: Captain Obvious and the Art of Intimidation (1/?)
Author: cupidsbow
Pairing: EW/OB, LotR RPS AU
Rating: M
Warning: This is a work in progress! Also, crack!fic.
Length: 600 words
For: special_trille... <3
Disclaimer: I don’t know any of these people—it’s just a lucid fever-dream.
Summary: In which we see a super-hero from across a mostly-empty alleyway.



Notes: This is a little plot bunny that attacked me this morning as I was lying in bed. I'm just going to write a scene whenever I have a free moment, until it's all done. I think I can manage this, despite the PhD, because it isn't eating my brain the way an actual bit of prose fiction would. Anyway, it'll probably take a while for me to get it all done. :)

*********************

SCENE 1

EXT. BACK ALLEY. DAY.

We see ELIJAH WOOD, a twenty-year-old man who is small for his age sitting on a fire-escape, eating a dripping ice-cream and reading Tom Stoppard’s Every Good Boy Deserves Favour. Despite the fact that there is something of the nerd about Elijah, he’s not a doormat. This is a man hiding a spine of steel beneath that mild-mannered exterior.
ELIJAH (V.O.)

You might think this is a super-hero story. I mean it has a super-hero kinda name in the title, right? But you’d be wrong. Dead wrong…

There is an off-camera crashing noise of overturning rubbish bins and a squeal from a cat. Elijah looks up, and, in slow motion, we see his eyes widening in shock. This is seriously impressive, as he has the biggest, bluest eyes we’ve ever seen on a human being.
ELIJAH (V.O.)

This is a story about very gay men who wear very silly clothes.

We CUT TO a reverse angle so that we can see what has Elijah staring like that. We slowly pan over the unconscious body of a BAD GUY lying amidst some overturned rubbish bins. We continue to pan across the refuse strewn alley surface to a pair of scuffed steel-capped work boots, then up a pair of gorgeous male legs in green Robin-Hood style tights, then up further to a pair of black and orange boxer shorts over the top of the tights, then up to a skin-tight green skivvy with a big black and orange “O” tie-died on the front, and up to the most beautiful face. This is clearly a super-hero, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS. He has blond hair and gorgeous blue eyes, although not quite as gorgeous as Elijah’s. We freeze-frame on a build shot of the super-hero, his white faux-fur cape in mid-dramatic-flap.
ELIJAH (V.O.)

That’s him. Captain Obvious. Fuckin’ gorgeous, isn’t he? Despite the eyesore he’s wearing. And if he’s not gay, then I’m not a starving actor hustling tables to make ends meet.

The image unfreezes, and Captain Obvious pulls a mobile phone out of a concealed pocket in the cape. He flips it open and presses a speed-dial button.
CAPT. OBVIOUS

Um. Ambulance. Yeah, okay, I’ll hold.

The Bad Guy groans and starts to stir.
CAPT. OBVIOUS

Never mind, yeah? He’s good now. Sorry about that.

Captain Obvious tries to put the phone away, but can’t seem to find the concealed pocket. He gropes around at the cape like a dog chasing its own tail.

We CUT TO a close up of the Bad Guy as he notices Captain Obvious’s distraction. The Bad Guy starts to creep off.
ELIJAH

Hey, dude!

Captain Obvious and the Bad Guy both look up at Elijah.

Elijah points to the crawling Bad Guy.
ELIJAH

Your bad guy’s escaping.

The Bad Guy glares at Elijah.
BAD GUY

What the fuck I ever do to you?


ELIJAH

I’ll give you a hint. In future, always leave a tip, man!

The Bad Guy just has time to blink at Elijah in confusion, and then Captain Obvious is picking him up, hoisting him over one muscular shoulder, and we see that the mobile phone is hooked onto the waistband of the boxer shorts. Then with two little skipping steps, Captain Obvious is airborne, taking the Bad Guy off to do whatever it is that super-heroes do to captured Bad Guys.

Elijah sighs, staring after Captain Obvious’s arse, which the Bay Guy is clinging to in obvious fear of falling.
ELIJAH (V.O.)

And who says crime doesn’t pay!


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Tags: captain obvious, fiction, lotrips, slash
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