Pairing: EW/OB, LotR RPS
Warning: This is a work in progress! Also, crack!fic.
Length: 1,000 words
Disclaimer: I don’t know any of these people—it’s just a lucid fever-dream.
Summary: In which, if we read very closely, we are introduced to the inevitable female reporter.
Notes: You can find the previous episodes here: Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3.
EXT. CHAIN LINK FENCE OUTSIDE AN ABANDONED FACTORY. EVENING.
Standing next to a woman-sized hole in the fence is a tall, dark-haired, good-looking woman, LIV TYLER. She flips closed a mobile phone, and puts it away. As she does, we get a flash of wire-snippers tucked into a utility belt at her waist.
Huh. As though I’m gonna do something stupid! He wouldn’t recognize stupid if it bit him on his invulnerable arse.
She climbs through the hole, pulls a flashlight out of her untility belt, turns it on, and heads off towards the abandoned factory.
The first door she tries is unlocked. Liv cautiously edges into the building and flashes the torch around.
INT. ABANDONED FACTORY. EVENING.
There’s nothing moving. It seems quiet and empty. With more confidence, Liv steps inside and sets off to explore. Just as she’s walking around a big storage tank, the door she came in by clicks shut with an ominous locking sound.
Liv hears the sound and stops. She backtracks and tries the door. Sure enough, it won’t open.
Oh shit. Hurry up, O.B., I think I just did something stupid.
She looks around for somewhere safe to wait that’s out of sight, and as she’s flashing her torch into a promising nook, the light illuminates the shining carapace of a huge, formidable-looking metal crab.
CUT TO a close up of the creature, as a pair of baleful infra-red eyes blink on.
CUT TO Liv’s eyes, which are now almost as wide as Elijah’s.
Double shit with maggots on top!
The crab sidles out of its nook, heading straight for Liv. It moves into a bright beam of moonlight falling through a skylight, and we see that it has two enormous pincers that look like they could easily cut Liv in half. But that isn’t all: along each of its legs are a dozen smaller pincers, and all of them are snicking with the sound of opening and closing scissors as it advances on Liv.
Liv runs away, trying to find a foothold so she can climb up high. But all of the tanks have sheer sides, and she can’t reach any of the pipes overhead.
The crab scuttles along behind her, and it’s gaining ground.
Liv sees a doorway and dashes for it, but when she gets there she discovers it’s an archway that’s been bricked in. She turns around, but there’s nowhere to go. The crab is right there! It reaches forward with one of its giant pincers. Moonlight gleams off metal as it sniiiiiiicks open as far as it will go.
I know I always say I’m after cutting edge news, but I was speaking metaphorically!
With a sound of smashing brick and a blur of green, black and orange, Liv is gone, just as the pincer chops right through the space she’d been standing in.
CUT TO the air above the crab, in which Liv is clinging on tight to a hovering Captain Obvious.
What part of “don’t do anything stupid” did you not understand, Liv?
What took you so fucking long?
And now that we’re getting a LONG SHOT of the scene, we see that there’s a bus-sized windscreen-wiper dangling off Captain Obvious’s cape, attached there with a big gob of spider web.
Beneath them the crab is jumping up, trying to reach them. It’s clear that there’s no way it can. Then it stops jumping and, with a whirring sound, its legs extend, until it's level with them. It comes towards them, clicking its pincers.
Tell me later. Please kill the giant crab-thing first.
Captain Obvious swooshes away to the other end of the factory.
Okay, shimmy round and hold on tight.
Liv obediently gropes her way around him, sticking her foot in Captain Obvious’s groin for balance. Captain Obvious manfully refrains from wincing as Liv repeatedly kicks and elbows him. Finally, she’s piggy-backing him, her right arm locked in a strangle-hold around his throat, her legs locked around his waist.
Are you sure you’re comfortable? You wouldn’t like to kick me a few dozen more times or anything?
Well, now you mention it…
She flicks him in the ear with her free hand.
That’s for giving me heart failure. I nearly screamed like some kind of sissy girl!
No pleasing some people.
He lifts both hands to his face and pulls out his blue contact-lenses.
CUT TO x-ray vision. We see that the crab monster is entirely mechanical with no human operator.
CUT TO a shot of Captain Obvious as two beams of light dart from his eyes into the crab.
CUT TO the crab, as, with a final, melancholy snick of the pincers, it melts into a steaming puddle of molten metal.
When he’s finished, Captain Obvious stares in disgust at the contact lenses resting in his palm.
I don’t know why I let you talk me into wearing these things. They’re a pain in the bum.
Moan, whinge, complain. You’d rather everyone recognized you?
I’m just saying!
Well, can you just say later? I wanna look for Professor Boyens. My tip-off said I’d find her here.
The same tip-off that didn’t warn you about the slice-n-dice machine?
But even as he’s griping, he’s x-raying the building.
CUT TO a tracking shot through several walls, finally coming to rest on a huddled skeleton.
Found her. Is there anything else you want me to zap or x-ray? Because I’m not taking these fuckers out again!
(ruffling his hair)
Don’t worry. If it comes down to it, I’ll somehow force myself to stick my finger in your eyes.
Try it and you’ll be the first thing I fry!
Without warning the world blurs as Captain Obvious uses his super-speed; a wooshing sound fills our ears, and over the top of it we hear another sound, louder then softer with the Doppler effect: Liv screaming like a sissy girl.
Ahhhhh! I hate it when you do that.