cupidsbow (cupidsbow) wrote,

IM Fic: "Military Intelligence" by cupidsbow

I've recently discovered the joys of Instant Messager and, as a result, I've been telling my muse, vegetariansushi, stories with high crack content on a regular basis. They're the kind of stories I tell myself all the time, but rarely inflict on other people, as they're too slight for me to get passionate enough about to actually write up properly.

To give you some idea of what I'm talking about, IM storytime favourites so far have included: the Hayden Christiansen/SGA inspired MarySue of doooooom; the sex-guru-John-Sheppard and skeptic-Rodney smutfest; and the novella "Being John Sheppard" which I actually have started writing up (I'll be posting the first chapter friends-locked in just a bit).

Anyway, as I already have what feels like a trillion viable WIPs on the go, I'm definitely *not* *ever* going to write *this particular* IM story up, but I kinda like it enough to post as it is. Seriously, you have been warned...

Title: Military Intelligence
Author: cupidsbow
Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis
Pairing: None (a little implied McKay/Sheppard and various others)
Rating: PG-13
For: vegetariansushi who is the best enabler ever, omg.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Just borrowed. I promise to return them the way I found them.
Notes: This bit of crack was inspired by the sga_flashfic "Debriefing Challenge," but as it's written in IM, it's not really suitable to post there.


cupidsbow: Are you up for storytime?
vegetariansushi: always.
cupidsbow: I finally had an idea for the Debriefing Challenge, but I don't think I'll write it up properly as I already have more than enough WIPs on the go.
vegetariansushi: debriefing challenge?
cupidsbow: On sga_flashfic. I wrote the "Aliens Made Them Eat It" thing for the Food and Buildings challenge. The latest challenge is "Debriefing".
vegetariansushi: what's your idea?
vegetariansushi: *demands*
cupidsbow: So... Zelenka is sitting in the mess.
cupidsbow: And people keep going up to him with little things in their hands, sitting with him for a while and then leaving, no longer with the things.
cupidsbow: Things like chocolate bars. Coffee sachets. Gizmos. Porn.
cupidsbow: Then, we overhear what's actually going on. And each person (let's start with, say, Kavanaugh), sits down all pale-faced and sweaty and desperate-looking, but trying to be cool...
cupidsbow: Zelenka gives them the eye, as he takes a bite of not-mashed-potatoes.
cupidsbow: ...and Kavanaugh starts babbling, just spilling the beans with gossip: "Then I saw Bates groping Stackhouse in the rotunda after movie night... and... and... Miko coming out of the kitchens with something stuffed under her shirt..."
cupidsbow: Zelenka's nodding and eating and occasionally making notes on his laptop.
vegetariansushi: hee. i have no idea where you're going with this, but it's already making me laugh
cupidsbow: Kavanaugh's getting paler and sweatier: "and... and... McKay! I saw McKay stealing bandwidth to send Ford porn! *Ferengi* porn!"
cupidsbow: Then Kavanaugh kind of thrusts his offering of a pirate Queen CD at Zelenka.
cupidsbow: Zelenka accepts the CD, looks Kavanaugh right in the eye, and says, "That's very interesting Kavanaugh. Thank you for sharing."
cupidsbow: And Kavanuagh nods like a puppet with an overzealous puppeteer and lurches off.
cupidsbow: Cut to McKay and Sheppard who are watching the whole thing in glee, wondering how to find out what Zelenka has on Kavanaugh.
cupidsbow: Rodney says, "I'm so glad I have no shame! I'd hate to be in Zelenka's power."
cupidsbow: John: "Easy for you to say, McKay. Some of us have reputations to protect!" And he scowls.
cupidsbow: And then they both boggle a bit as a sweaty Col. Caldwell sits down opposite Zelenka and hands over a bag of pistachio nuts. A really *big* bag.
cupidsbow: The mess goes quiet for a moment, and Caldwell hunches in his seat.
cupidsbow: But Zelenka looks around--assessingly--and everyone quickly goes back to concentrating on eating their dinner.
cupidsbow: John: "Poor bastard! I wonder what he did..."
cupidsbow: Cut to Caldwell: "This is illegal!"
cupidsbow: Zelenka: "Pfft. Pegasus has no anti-blackmail laws."
cupidsbow: Zelenka (with a significant look): "And I'm pretty sure it *never will*, Colonel."
cupidsbow: Caldwell: "One day you'll need military protection, and *then* where will you be?"
cupidsbow: Zelenka: "Calling in a favour from Col. Sheppard." He smiles, and it's not nice at all.
cupidsbow: Caldwell looks stoic right up until he caves: "I saw..."
cupidsbow: Zelenka nods encouragingly and takes another bite of not-potatoes.
cupidsbow: Caldwell: "Elizabeth writing something about nipples in her personal diary."
cupidsbow: Zelenka's fork pauses in mid-air: "What about nipples? Whose nipples? Just nipples is not enough!"
vegetariansushi: (seriously, you just -- the brain! is so shiny!)
cupidsbow: (buffs brain to high gloss ;-)
cupidsbow: Caldwell, really starting to sweat: "I couldn't get a good look, but I think, maybe..." and he leans forward and whispers "... Sheppard. And something about clamps."
cupidsbow: Zelenka makes a little note on his laptop and waves a hand for Caldwell to continue.
cupidsbow: Caldwell: "That's all I have so far."
cupidsbow: Zelenka frowns.
cupidsbow: Caldwell regains a bit of his spine: "You don't want me to make things up do you?"
cupidsbow: Zelenka reluctantly concedes the point: "I suppose Colonel Sheppard's nipples will have to do." And he waves Caldwell away imperiously.
cupidsbow: Cut back to John and Rodney. John gets up and mutters, "My turn."
cupidsbow: Rodney: "I can’t believe you won't tell me what he has on you! I could *help*!"
cupidsbow: John puts a hand on Rodney's shoulder and leans in so that when he speaks his breath puffs against Rodney's ear: "I wish I could, Rodney. More than you'll ever know."
cupidsbow: Rodney shivers and looks both thrilled and terrified by this, his cheeks flushing pink.
cupidsbow: John stands upright, all-soldier again, "But some things are more important than what I want."
cupidsbow: Rodney looks a bit like he's sucking on a lemon as he watches John's retreating ass. (Breathing fast and slightly glassy-eyed as well as pinch-mouthed)
cupidsbow: John sits down opposite Zelenka, looking totally intimidated, and hands over a shiny Atlantean do-dad that's making happy beeping noises.
cupidsbow: Zelenka looks at it dubiously: "What is it?"
cupidsbow: John: "A bug. It can record colour pictures as well as sound."
cupidsbow: Zelenka looks quietly thrilled: "Oh. Nice!"
cupidsbow: John: "I thought you'd like it," and he hunches down a little further, everything about him screaming, *I hate this*.
cupidsbow: Looking around to make sure no-one's in hearing distance, John says, "So how'd we do today, Doc?"
cupidsbow: Zelenka beams: "Good, good! Five more people! I will email the good bits."
cupidsbow: John wipes pretend sweat from his brow: "Good work, buddy! At this rate, we'll own the whole base by Christmas. Nothing will be able to stop us!"
cupidsbow: Zelenka: "Yes, yes. I admit it. You were right. You are evil genius."
cupidsbow: John can't entirely hide some of the *aw shucks* look: "I couldn't have done it without you."
cupidsbow: Zelenka smiles modestly: "Yes, but it's you Atlantis debriefs to. Without inside information, we would be nowhere," and he pretends to make a note on the laptop.
cupidsbow: John: "Good point. So, I bags the nuts then."
cupidsbow: Zelenka's smile wipes away as though it had never been: "You always bags nuts! When is it my turn?"
cupidsbow: A tiny smile edges up one corner of John's mouth: "The day I forget finding you blowing Kavanaugh in the botany lab, Radek. Unless you *want* Rodney to open his email to find security footage of--"
cupidsbow: Zelenka begins to sweat and tries to hide it: "Nuts! All yours!"
cupidsbow: The end.
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