Pairing: EW/OB, LotR RPS
Warning: This is a work in progress! Also, crack!fic.
Length: 750 words
Disclaimer: I don’t know any of these people—it’s just a lucid fever-dream.
Summary: In which the full moon is over-used as a dramatic device.
EXT. DINGY STREET. EVENING.
Elijah walks along dressed in the black-pants-white-shirt uniform of a low-rent waiter. All along the street people are carrying newspapers. On the front page is a picture of a suave, handsome man, VIGGO MORTENSEN, shaking hands with the Prime Minister. Elijah is just carrying a beat-up BACK-PACK.
So, you’re probably wondering who I am, right? What the hell I’m doing in this story? Maybe you’re thinking I’m a superhero wannabe…
As Elijah walks past a huge billboard for Wayne Industries, a giant RHINO-WOMAN crashes through the middle of it, and all the passers-by stop and stare. Elijah keeps walking.
…or maybe a psycho supervillain in training…
A red and blue figure, REDBACK-MAN, flashes across the top of the frame, and suddenly RHINO-WOMAN is covered in sticky-looking webbing. Elijah turns the corner, leaving the mayhem behind. People run past him, heading towards the action.
…basically, the kind of person who gets off on the idea of wearing a silly outfit and calling myself Disturbingly-Totemic-Animal Man or some shit like that…
Just ahead of Elijah, outside a seedy looking café, a woman is being menaced by a knife-wielding FEMALE THUG.
But the truth is a whole lot more pathetic.
Captain Obvious gracefully drifts down out of the air, landing on the ground behind the Female Thug, and taps her on the shoulder. She turns, brandishing the knife, then recognises Captain Obvious and wilts.
Aw… shit! Why aren’t you off fighting that Rhino-thing?
The ones wearing animal suits give me the creeps.
A crumpled ball of metal that may once have been a BUS goes flying past, heading straight for a crowded Pizzeria. Captain Obvious does a double-take, then dashes off in a blur of green, orange and black.
The crumpled bus halts in mid-air, stopped by Captain Obvious, and now that it’s still, it’s possible to see the web attached to it. Redback-man stands on a nearby rooftop, silhouetted against the full moon, the line of web dangling from one hand.
What the fuck are ya doing, ya fucking moron? I only just got her trapped in there.
An ominous growling sound emanates from the interior of the crushed bus.
Oh. But it was headed right for all those people…
CUT TO the Female Thug, who casts a dark look at the rapidly retreating back of her victim and slides the knife into a boot sheath.
So outta here.
As the Female Thug saunters past, Elijah trips her and then whacks her in the head with his back-pack. Whatever he has in that bag is heavy enough to make her go down and stay down. Elijah kneels on her back so she can’t get up again.
Let the fucking bus go, moron, before she escapes.
Captain Obvious carefully lets go of the bus. Redback-man immediately starts off at a run across the rooftops, swinging the bus along behind him.
Try not to crash into any buildings, okay?
We CUT TO a shot of Captain Obvious walking towards Elijah and the Female Thug. He looks dejected.
Here’s your bad guy.
Captain Obvious takes in the situation, and looks even more dejected.
(Not meaning it)
Great. That’s just…
Get this dickhead off me. This is assault. Random people can’t go around stopping crime. It’s against the code!
Elijah gets up off the Thug, brushes himself off, and reaches for his back-pack. It’s come open and spilled out a whole heap of books: Nietzsche, Maugham, the latest issue of The Red Tornado. He stuffs them back in.
That was awesome, man! I can’t believe that stupid spider guy. The bus would have totally killed someone if you hadn’t…
He closes the bag and turns around, only to be confronted with a patch of empty street. He looks around, confused.
No. I’m not a superhero wannabe. That would be too easy.
For one brief moment, silhouetted against the moon, we see Captain Obvious flying along. The Female Thug is slung over his shoulder, clutching at his arse.
Elijah’s shoulders slump. It’s all there in his eyes: Captain Obvious owns his heart.
I’m just the pathetic, unrequited love interest.